Sometimes it's about Doubt

Thanks to Sam's recent hospitalization, I've had ample opportunities to think about her mortality. Of course, in my head, I know we all are mortal; part of the fallen world. We wait on perfection and wish it were already here. If I'm not too careful, moments like this cause me to become frustrated and doubt. In the end, though, I believe God is sovereign. I'm just trying to do his bidding.

A dear friend of ours wrote a note of encouragement on Facebook the second day of Sam's hospitalization. In that note he reminded us that we went into this understanding that Sam wouldn't outlive us and that basically, we shouldn't be too concerned. We know perfection is coming.

Sam's doctor, who is a gem of a woman, reassured us the day she admitted Sam into the hospital that, “You will see her graduate high school. You'll see her go to college.” 20-30 years ago, that wouldn't have been a guarantee. We are grateful.

I'm grateful for those who want to reassure us, through whatever words they choose. The fact is that I ignore Sam's mortality all the time. Even as I type this I have to force myself to realize the truth of the matter. My life expectancy is 77. Samantha's is 37. I'm 2 years away from 37. Maybe that's why it's hard to take in. Accepting Sam's mortality requires me to accept my own.

Someday, there will be no Samantha Joy. I'm looking at her right now, and someday I won't be able to. What does that feel like to the thousands of people who have lost loved ones to Cystic Fibrosis? Or more broadly speaking...what does it feel like to lose someone you love, whatever the cause? My friend Chris died in Africa several months ago. I'm still not over it. I prayed hard against his passing. Many have seemingly moved on. I have too, as long as I don't think about it.

Some people might judge me for not having more faith. I have no real response, except to say that I burned a lot of faith praying for my friend in Africa who is with us no more. Maybe this isn't about Sam's mortality as much as it has to do with my confusion about God's plan.

This blog seeks to be a tool for God to use to grow his Kingdom. But it is also a blog about failings, my success, my faith (or lack thereof). So you're stuck sometimes with posts like this, that seemingly betray my doubt. It is what it is. God is either big enough to handle my doubt, or he is too small to matter.


Anonymous said...

Hi Dan, I read your blog occassionally and am moved by your insight into life and how it relates to the Kingdom. Of particular interest is your most recent writing. My daughter told me once that faith was believing and still trusting God even though you do not see what you believed for on this earth. Trusting God is a huge thing especially when those that we love are faced with chronic illnesses. I know, my son had cf as well. Then my daughter got cancer. They are my heroes and know more about God and faith than anyone I know. They have taught me what peace truly is. Your Samantha will graduate and will go to college and will get married. Being honest with your feelings and thoughts is okay with God. He knows it all anyway. After all He is the Great I Am. Love and blessings to your family.

boilt frog said...

Scripture presents human life as short James 4:13-15 but also as defined Job 14:5. We do not know how long anyone will live. Let us live for the glory of God while we have breath.